‘How I lost my confidence when I lost my face’

When Tammy Saunders lost part of her face her confidence died. But getting back into the world of dating has helped her re-find her self-confidence, she writes.

I don't think there is anyone who could honestly say that they are 100% confident.
We all have those aspects of our appearance, personality or abilities that cause self-doubt at one time or another. The teenage years are often the worst and my teens were an uphill struggle against bad skin, frizzy hair and body woes. The beauty and charisma of childhood were gradually chipped away. By my mid-teens I was so self-conscious that I would try my hardest to avoid any activity that might involve people looking at me.

My mum could see that I was having issues with self-esteem and decided to do something about it. Not being a fan of the softly-softly approach she made me apply for a job in a local restaurant. I was terrified at the mere thought of it and even more horrified when I was given a job as a waitress. There is a method of teaching babies to swim where the parent simply plops the infant into the water and lets it get on with it. I was like one of those babies and I got on with it just as well.

Within months I had blossomed into one of the best members of staff they had. I still hated the way I looked but it wasn't the main focus anymore. I was praised and liked for my strengths.

By my 20s I had built on this and, with the addition of some foundation, mascara and lipstick, I actually felt pretty. I had a boyfriend, a home, a career and for the first time in years I was fairly happy with my looks and life in general. However, at the age of 32 my looks and my life changed forever.

Christmas of 2013 was much like any other, going to my mum's to spend the holiday with family. I had planned a trip to London on the 27th to see my sister and her family but I woke up that day feeling lousy, so postponed until the next day. But by the next day I was in the intensive care unit of my local hospital.

It was as if the old, independent, free-spirited Tammy had died and in her place was this person I hardly recognised

What I had assumed was a hangover got progressively worse until I could barely get out of bed and even a sip of water made me vomit. I passed it off as a nasty sickness bug, convinced my brother was being dramatic with his talk of doctors.

When my legs and lips went numb I was slightly more concerned. My extremities felt cold and nothing I tried could warm them up. I went into my mum's bedroom and with one look at me she shouted for my stepdad to call an ambulance. Two hours later I was comatose in a hospital bed hooked up to drips, monitors and machines to keep me alive.

It took ten days for me to be diagnosed with meningococcal septicaemia, a strain of meningitis that causes blood poisoning. I also had disseminated intravascular coagulation (DIC) which is a severe version of the rash associated with meningitis. The DIC caused my blood vessels to haemorrhage and bleed under the skin, looking at first like bruising and then turning black as my circulation shut down. 

My extremities were the worst affected and it resulted in necrosis on my face and limbs. I lost the bottom half of my nose and almost all of my lips. The flesh on the bottom half of my legs and small areas of my arms, hands and feet had to be removed and the surviving skin on my limbs is criss-crossed with burn like scars. Tendons, muscles and nerves were also damaged so I have been left disfigured and with mobility and dexterity problems.