DANICA PATRICK TO HAVE BABY AT RECORD SPEED

Danica Patrick announced that she will compete in a different race by having a baby in record-breaking speed.

“I’m gonna shoot that baby out faster then anyone in the Indy car, NASCAR or any other type of car or vagina event ever has,” said Patrick, “I’ve been doing a lot of work and practice for this and when the baby comes I will accept nothing less then a sonic boom coming out of my exhausted pipe.”

Patrick then clarified to reporters that her exhausted pipe was a euphemism for vaginal opening.

Patrick’s goal is to break the record of Argentinean woman, Martina Alvarez, by at least one month, which sets Patrick to go into labor after only two and a half months of pregnancy.

When Patrick was told that Alvarez’s particular instance was a premature birth that resulted in a critically unhealthy and sickly baby, Patrick said, “Well the biggest difference here is that we’re American, and we always find a way to win and win big.”

A reporter then reminded Patrick that Argentineans are technically “Americans” too, as they live in South America, just as Central Americans are also called Americans. Patrick then laughed, turned to her team captain and asked, “Who is this guy? Some kind of professor with a degree in learning?”

When asked who the father is, Patrick responded, “Well, I’m not pregnant yet because I’m looking for the right guy to help pop this one out quick. My strategy is that if a guy is quick in bed, then the baby will come out of my baby-maker pretty quick. I just wish I could find a guy who would like absolutely no pressure at all, what so ever, to last long in bed. But I just don’t know if I’ll ever find that.” An onslaught of reporters and guests then rushed the stage frantically trying to get close to Partick.

After security settled the crowd down, Patrick said that she’s been preparing for the record speed pregnancy with golf and softball equipment and will then move on from there. Her other tactics include having twins and instigating a fight so that one would push the other out.